I haven’t always been afflicted with bouts of depression, slightly delusional thinking, paranoid ideation, impulsive behaviour etc, etc. Nowadays, i fall into pits of despair and hopelessness, I would be sieged by feelings of giving up, whatever that means. A swarm of insecurities, doubts and fears would circle me until I believe they’re real. I would struggle to control my anger, and try not to punch or shout at somebody. I would be at the borderline between self-injury and self-preservation.
The funny thing is, when these things occur, I know that my thoughts are irrational and that my actions would not be good for me or for the people around me, but sometimes, I do them anyways.
In my visions, I am sometimes torn apart by The Big D by vines. My body parts would be scattered on the ground. My feet would be tripping over themselves, my hands would be crawling a la Adams Family. “Be the conductor, be the bandleader.”
The self is not a singular thing. We cannot isolate it. There is no neuron in our brain that is the “master” neuron. We are all made up to different selves, parts, personalities. The interaction, fusion and fission of these parts are just as important in how we function as people as what these parts are.
It is quite a challenge to control and listen to our urges, impulses, and intuitions. But being able to orchestrate these parts to a unified goal is something we should all strive to do. This is how will is unshackled.
As long as we are perturbed and affected by the past and by the events around us, we are the slaves of our fears. As long as we lash out at something we can’t control, we are under its control. As long as we perceive the world through a negative lens, we are caught in the leash of our insecurities.
It is only when we learn how to take the driver’s seat in our body, and be able to make voluntary decisions about what is best for us that we will be happy. This is the power to choose. This is true freedom.
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